by P. David Gardner
The Word on the Street has it that radical Christians everywhere are wasting no time in slipping on their trusty Jesus-brand Combat BootsTM, trussing up their atheist-proof Nazarine Vests (patent pending), and heavily arming themselves with only their finest religiously blessed weaponry for yet another festive and merry Yule season of fighting off the Godless hordes which they believe would change everything they feel about the holiday season.
How did it ever come to this? How did these misguided religious fundamentalists ever come to believe that there is a massive, evil Atheist conspiracy afoot, threatening the basic foundations and tenants of their beliefs? That some dark and vast Atheist Cabal (no doubt resembling the stumbling, mindless zombies of The Walking Dead) gathers each year at just about this time, in a secret and no doubt satanic location, to plot the complete demolition of Jesus as king of their holiday season, and to perhaps even munch on a few innocent yet no doubt tasty Christian babies while they're at it?
Would these up-in-arms Christians be aghast (or even able) to sit down, scientifically assess the situation, and finally realize the truth of the matter? That Atheists, non-Christians and tolerant Christians alike actually recognize that We The People celebrate many religious holidays during the month of December, and that the non-religious populace simply sees Christmas as a celebration of family, with no religious implications at all? But more importantly, that none of these groups "has it out" for those devout but misinformed radical Christians?
Until now, that is. It's time, folks, for Our War on Their War. We Godless Liberals are today officially declaring war on their “War on the Happy Holidays.”
Word has it that the following holidays are celebrated during the month of December: Christmas (aka Noel, Jul and Family Day), Hanukkah, Yule, Sveti Nikola, Winter Solstice, Kwanzaa, The Birth of Mithras (Festival), Saturnalia, Festivus and Santamas. Now that's a mouthful. And if you look closely, only two of those are actually based on traditional religious precepts.
When you're walking down the street, doing some nice and hopefully peaceful Christmas shopping, you may come across kindly folks who will greet you warmly and say "Happy Holidays." Don't take it as an insult to Jesus and his followers, but rather know in your heart that their greeting was genuine and warm, offered in the spirit of tolerance and acceptance of the fact that many people do not celebrate the Christian holiday of Christmas, but rather observe in other ways during the month of December. It is for many people a celebration of diversity and an expression of cultural sensitivity.
Jon Stewart of “The Daily Show” adroitly observed recently that Tea Party favorite and darling of the far, far Right, former VP candidate Sarah Palin, and Fox News host Gretchen Carlson both quickly rushed to the holiday's defense despite not being asked by anyone to do so, nor even having the holiday threatened in any way, shape or form. “Shit's getting weird,” Stewart noted of the mess known now as “World War C.” The womens' display of fake outrage was based in some strange state of unreality that could not be touched by the plain facts. So much for their play for more airtime.
Anyone even slightly on the ball knows that the “fair and balanced” Fox News never fails to fan the flames of intolerance during the holiday season, no doubt for that all-important ratings boost so that they can charge more for commercial time in the coming new year.
Witness the recent self-righteous outburst from Fox's Megyn Kelly, who has declared without a doubt that both Jesus and Santa are white, and there's no good reason to change ships mid-stream. This was Kelly's indignant response to a recent Slate article called “Santa Should Not Be a White Man Anymore” by Aisha Harris, who called for a “less melanin-deficient” Santa.
Another “Fanner of The Flames” includes the ever-noisy American Family Association (AFA), which takes a short break from their unending fight against the “homosexual agenda” and same-sex marriage every December to join in on the fun. Never one to miss an important press deadline, the AFA bravely fights what it calls the “War on Christmas” with its annual “Naughty or Nice” list.
They call for their cadre to aggressively pressure companies on the list to promote a “Merry Christmas” while sidelining the more sensitive “Happy Holidays.” And to boycott the “Naughty” companies while rewarding the “Nice” companies with their patronage, and encourage everyone they know to join in.
The AFA even has the sheer audacity to promote a short list of “5-Star” super ass kissing companies that have no qualms about pleasing them, and will willingly bend over and grab their ankles to hopefully make non-Christians feel mighty uncomfortable about their non-Jesus filled December celebrations.
The AFA further cavalierly tosses aside typical Christian values (at least according to their own Bible and the teachings of Jesus within it), values such as taking care of the poor, family, and giving to needy charities. It seems that the AFA is quite adept at putting on blinders to avoid Jesus' own teachings while at the same time looking down from their mighty high place to assess just how well private companies brown nose their Lord. Fair trade, you say? Pshaw! Abusive use of sweatshops? No deal breaker there, according to the AFA. Just mouth those two powerful words, “Merry Christmas” rather than “Happy Holidays” and you're all right in their good book.
Yes, you can always trust that the AFA will shove Christ right up your ass every December, just like clockwork.
Like Howard Beale said in the ever prescient 1976 movie Network, “That's all I can stands, I can't stands no more!” Or wait, maybe that was Popeye. In any event, this is it, folks. This is our moment of truth, Godless Liberals. It's time for us to take up our own arms, the arms of Truth and Tolerance, to fend off those who would seek to make December all about one fairly unassuming and surprisingly tolerant historical figure that somehow got twisted this way and that over the subsequent centuries to become an established religion of intolerance.
Join us if you appreciate tolerance. Join us if you accept the fact that many people simply do not celebrate a Christian Christmas in December. Join us if you are as appalled as we are that a rowdy bunch of intolerant Christian bullies are getting away with pressuring companies to make sure that everyone knows that this holiday belongs to their Jesus and no other.
Visit us today at GodlessLiberals.com and join with us in our “War on The War on Happy Holidays". We'll provide you a better way to celebrate and to counter balance the opposition by supporting those companies that extend the more inclusive “Happy Holidays” message in December. We'll ask for your help in boycotting those companies that have made the AFA's "5-Star" super ass kissing list, which fall all over themselves to stick Christ up your ass at every opportunity in December.
Here is the list of the so-called “5-Star” companies that the AFA is asking you to support, and which we're asking you to boycott now and for as long as they bend to the AFA's twisted will: Wal-Mart, Sears, Hobby Lobby, Belk and Lowe's.
And in turn, we're asking you to give your wholehearted support and patronage this holiday season and beyond to those listed on the AFA's “Naughty” list: Barnes & Noble, Family Dollar, Foot Locker, Limited Brands, Maurice's, Office Depot, Pet Smart, Radio Shack, Staples, Supervalu, and Victoria's Secret.
As you participate in our just and quite probably unholy War, please remain mindful of the fact that our country, the United States of America, was founded upon the principle of religious freedom. Our Founding Fathers fervently believed that a national religion was a no-go, and not only because they knew that the pilgrims preceding them crossed the mighty Atlantic and arrived on our shores to escape religious persecution in England. In their wisdom, they knew that we must as a nation acknowledge all the world's religions and denominations, while at the same time keeping to the all important tenant of the separation of Church and State, something that keeps getting lost with time, it seems.
Think too on the points brought up in a recent article on ThinkProgress, which revealed that the AFA is promoting the support and boycotting of companies based solely on their “Jesus-ness” while conveniently forgetting that their favored companies keep families apart during the holidays by opening their stores on Thanksgiving, and further assure their employees of a sad holiday by underpaying them so much that they must use public assistance just to keep food on the table, much less fail to give them health care so that they can actually come to work well, rather than sick.
The Southern Poverty Law Center lists the AFA as an anti-gay hate group. Why not you? Take action this year. Don't let these religious bigots win. The month of December is not, contrary to their belief, their own personal month to do with as they please.
Celebrate diversity this holiday season. Celebrate tolerance. Celebrate inclusion. Lets Take Back December... Happy Holidays, my friends!